Can't Give Up Now????

**This is probably the most personal I've ever been, and will ever be in this blog.**

I just can't give up now, I've come to far from where I started...  But what happens when you start a journey in life and somehow end up right where you began?  You technically haven't come that far, so is it okay to give up then? Is it ever okay to give up?

One day I saw a tweet from Joel Olsteen.  I saved it, and eventually added it as a favorite quotation on my Facebook profile.  "God would not have planted those dreams in your heart if He had not already given you the ability to see them come to pass."  At first the quote gave me some hope, made me feel better.  I thought I'd be feeling better and able to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams and start putting them back together.  But then, I started to get... angry.  Well not angry but I don't know what to call the emotions I was feeling.  God gave me a dream.  That dream was being fulfilled, then it was snatched away.  I remember being a child and being told not to question God and his work.  But as a human, I can't help it.  I wonder why me? Did I do something wrong? And if so what was it? Where do I go from here? How do I get through this.

Over the years I will admit my relationship with religion has changed.  I still believe in God, and prayer, and I know he can do great things.  But I'm not that into church and all the traditions of religion.  I sometimes wonder if I've lost faith, but if I had, I wouldn't pray for my friends and family, because if I didn't have faith, what would be the point? I am just at a point where I'm not sure what to do or think anymore.  People say "let go and let God" or "stop worrying."  Always easy to say when it's not you in a situation.

So what now? Do I keep striving for what I want, even though I have to start from scratch? Do I give up and settle for a life that's not what I want, just because? How do I deal with watching people around me continuing with their dreams while I'm having a setback?

I'm sure that whatever happens, I'll be alright eventually... but what do I do in the meantime? 

There's always one....

The ugly friend/soror/ls/sister/frat/lb/member of a group that hangs out sometimes. There is always one. Look around. Don't see the ugly friend/soror/ls/sister/frat/lb/member of a group that hangs out sometimes? It could be you.

Ask yourself these questions. Are you ever:

1) left holding purses and watching drinks at the club while everyone else dances with cute guys/girls?

2) forced to pay to get in while everyone else gets in free?

3) standing in the back of a picture even though you are short?

4) always taking the picture but never IN it?

5) cropped out of pics on Facebook?

6) paired with the ugly person everytime a group of the opposite sex approaches your group?

If you answer yes to one or more (or likely all) of these, then I must inform you that you ate the ugly friend/soror/ls/sister/frat/lb/member of a group that hangs out sometimes.

Are you ready for some football?!?!?!

My answer? Eh. Whatever.

I am a college football fan.  Specifically the SEC and really specifically Auburn (WDE!).  If you live in Alabama you kind of have no choice.  You have to choose between Auburn and Alabama early in life.  I never really liked or understood football, but I always leaned towards the orange and blue, and after going to school for 4 years in the same town as Alabama, my hatred of that school grew strong and my love of Auburn grew even more.  But I digress.

Today starts the NFL preseason.  I only know this because of twitter because I honestly don't give a damn.  Growing up I never really had an interest or an understanding so while the rest of my family, mom included watched football, I played with my toys, read, slept, did homework, whatever.  As far as professional football goes we were always Saints fans, probably because they are the closest professional team to us, and their colors are pretty (which is how I pick sports teams- don't judge me).

What's crazy though is that I see a lot of guys now saying their wife must love and know football, or that a real woman actually knows something about the game.  Seriously? I think that's a load of bullshit.  So what if I don't know all the rules, the players or even give a damn about football? It certainly doesn't make me any less of a woman.  I think guys are worried because some women have a reputation of being football haters- trying to change the channel while they are watching, or not "allowing" them to invite their boys over for the game. Just because a woman doesn't like football doesn't mean she's a party pooper! I'm not married but if I were I'd have no problem w/ my husband watching football.  Hell I will make you wings and bring you cold beer if that's what you want.  But don't reduce my womanhood to whether or not I like sports because there's so much more than that.  And if you are a guy who says his future wife MUST LOVE sports, well.... BYE.  Because other than my Auburn Tigers (WDE!) I can't be bothered to watch.

I Wanna Be Brown!

Last night I watched the latest episode of TLC's "Toddlers and Tiaras."  I have a lot to say about the show in general, but that's a whole other blog post.  On last night's show there was a little girl named Allyson.  Allyson only picks out "brown" dolls for herself, and she prays for God to make her "brown."   Her favorite celebrity is Beyonce, and when she goes to get her spray tan, she takes a picture with "brown" skin to show how she wants to look.

I honestly don't know how to feel about this.  At first, I thought it was cute.  At the very least it's nice to see a little Caucasian girl who thinks that Black is beautiful.  At first I figured maybe her love for "brown" skin was only for lighter shades, but then they show her complementing another pageant contestant on her beauty.  This contestant was a little Black girl who was darker than Beyonce.   I can't help but wonder why this little girl doesn't love her OWN skin.  I love that she thinks Black is beautiful, but praying to God to make her "brown" seems like she doesn't love "the skin she's in."  I already worry about these girls in the pageant world, especially at such a young age, and how not being the best every time will affect them, it seems like her mother should be doing more-- not to make her dislike the brown skin that she loves so much, but to teach her that in addition to loving "brown" skin, she can also love the skin that God gave her.

What do you guys think? Leave a comment.

Insomnia

Despite being exhausted and having to be up in an hour, what am I doing? Typing a blog post on my phone.

I'm on the couch. Big brother is on the air mattress. At first I was able to sleep with his snoring. Woke up at 3:30 and have been up since. I have noise isolating earbuds in my ear, with Carl Thomas singing "Summer Rain." Tried drowning him out with music. Tried to use a rain sounds app to soothe me to sleep. Nothing. Alarm going off in 40 minutes. Do I give up on more sleep?

You're HOW old and you live with your parents?

1999.  The first single off of TLC's "Fanmail" album is released.  No Scrubs.  Two simple words.  It was a song about a woman who didn't want a guy who didn't have his own car, didn't pay his own bill, and lived at home with his mama.  Although no one really plays the song or calls men "scrubs" anymore, the sentiment still remained.  No woman or man wanted a mate that couldn't do for themselves.

Fast forward to 2011.  Our nation's economy is in shambles.  People who have degrees are jobless, some homeless.  People are getting laid off left and right and finding a new job often takes months or years.  Some still haven't found new jobs.  And let's not act like people in this country save for a rainy day.  Sure, some of us do, but others have credit card debts nearly as big as their yearly salaries, and save very little.  Many people are one paycheck from being homeless.

Still it seems many people are stuck on whether or not someone lives with the parents.  I am in the progress of moving... back to my parents' house.  I've got things going on that I won't get into here, but the best decision was to move back in with them.  For the most part, no 20-something really wants to move back into their parents home.  You won't be able to live the way you used to live.  You may not have a curfew, but coming in  5am is disrespectful and will surely lead to some discord.  Unless you are in a position to help with bills, you get no say over what the temperature is, what brand of orange juice is in the fridge or whether the Charmin is soft or strong.  All of these things are reasons I'll miss living on my own, along with the freedom my pets have in my home.  What I will miss most though is the freedom to walk around the house naked.  Don't judge me, you know you like to be naked too!

Moving home in your *cough* late 20s sucks, but honestly, it's not just a curse, it's a blessing.  I am very thankful to have parents who are in a position to be able to take in my 2 dogs, 1 rather large cat and their grown daughter.  I'm thankful that despite not having a job currently my bills get paid, I have food to eat, and I have gas in my car.  

I guess at the end of the day, we should all think twice before judging-- or better yet not judge at all.  That guy who lives with his mother could have been recently laid off from a lucrative job, and is only living with her to cut his costs while searching for a new position.  Of course every person living with his/her parents isn't someone who fell victim to this country's horrible economy.  There are some lazy bums out there.  The key is being able to tell the difference.

Rest In Peace Amy Winehouse

She was a wonderful artist.  Beautiful voice.  Awesome songs.  Taken too soon.  She struggled with addiction while on this earth.  Only she can know the pain that led to her addiction.  I hope she at least has peace now. Her album, Back to Black, really got me through some crazy times.  These days, music is not good.  There's one hot song on an album full of trash.  But this was one of those albums, one of those artists, that could be listened to from start to finish.  She will be missed.